food disasters


So, I’ve been gone from the blogging scene as well, for many different reasons. Life is just too hectic for me right now and it’s sad because I started out so well last week. I went to the gym 3x and worked out, I walked to work for a few days, and I cooked meals in my apartment – really good meals. Then work got busy and life got busy and *poof* out the window. Most of it had to do with a really bad day I had last week.

I’ve always tended towards having a mood disorder. It’s nothing diagnosed or anything and I’m not on medication, but my moods are wacky. They are affected by so many things – my jobs, my friends, boys. Any small setback can take me from happy and smiling to feeling frustrated and depressed. When I was in middle school, I spent most of my time in a haze of teenage angst – writing angry poetry, cursing my parents, and occasionally cutting. I don’t know if I’ve ever spoken about that part of my life – it didn’t seem serious at the time and to me it still doesn’t, but I know that it was a personal low. I’ve never EVER done anything like that since then, but I have had my mood swings. My freshman year of college, I spent most of it sleeping because I was depressed and it was hard to get acclimated. Sophomore year, all of my activities depressed me in the same way and I felt awful 99% of the time – lots of tears and crying. When I get like that, I neglect my health, which is exactly what happened last week. I got upset about work, came home, drank several glasses of wine, and cried my eyes out. It was awful. Couple that with a new man in my life and trouble with my friends and it was a recipe for disaster. I drank, stopped going to the gym, and just sat around wallowing. So not cute.

I’m hoping to really stick this out and be serious about getting healthy and feeling better about myself. It’s just a process. In the words of Talib Kweli – “Life is a beautiful struggle.” I’m going to try my darndest to end up on top.

Not in water, so no worries.
Food is a struggle– some things to celebrate, some things to freak out about.

Tuesday’s Eats:

Breakfast:

  • 2 eggs, sunny-side up, with garlic, crushed tomatoes, and pepper:

img_5426Very, Very tasty!

  • fat-free yogurt with a tsp of lemon juice

Lunch:

  • Best Quick Oats combo that I’ve had in a while:

img_5438I took an apple from work and walked home (well, to the housesitting gig) to make Quick Oats with apple, cinnamon, 1 tbsp of peanut butter, skim milk, and sweet-n-low.  AMAZING.

Unnecessary Snack:

  • Right– so this is the point in the day during which I ate a 400 calorie cinnamon bun.  Why?  Because a co-worker literally put it in my face right after I’d gotten into a screaming match (yes, screaming match) with my boss.  So upset that I did this *again*!

Dinner:

  • Chickpea and tuna salad with zatar and 2 tbsp of hummus:

img_5441Also very tasty!

  • Soy patty with garlic and olive oil

After Dinner:

  • Decaf coffee with a tsp of cocoa powder and skim milk– inspired by Eating Bender‘s coffee cocoa.  Very, very good– but I don’t really need to put cocoa in my coffee.  It feels excessive while I’m battling an addiction to sweets and avoiding chocolate.
  • 200 calories worth of toffee that my roommate left laying on the table.  Ugh.
  1. The good parts of today were the fact that I had a *lot* of water and have been keeping up with that goal meticulously, the fact that I’m still coffee free, and the fact that I made tasty meals that were satisfying three times.  Nothing on the go, nothing mediocre.
  2. It would have been a perfect day if I hadn’t had the toffee and the cinnamon bun.  Your suggestions have been on the mark, and despite the fact that I am *extremely* stressed right now, I need to put them in action.  Today I’m going to  try doing something else when I’m stressed, and making room for *small* portions of sweets to see if that will curb the craving.

Really want to blog about everything that is stressing me out, but I have to get going.  More later.

Today was typical of an office environment;  a co-worker came back from three weeks in Canada and we were all ecstatic to see her.  In Israel, ecstatic= food.  She brough back a ton of maple candy and cookies, and everyone sat around to hear about the family wedding that she’d just a ttented and to eat.  I had already eaten lunch and *was not* hungry, so I told myself to drink my water, concentrate on the conversation, and just stay away.  After sitting there for an hour, I literally couldn’t take it anymore. I had no self-control.  I have a few pieces of maple candy and a bunch of cookies– something to the tune of 6.  If i had just had one or two, I wouldn’t be dwelling– but I completely binged.  I want to understand why, and I need to come up with ways of avoiding this!  If the only way for me to avoid eating crap that my body doesn’t want OR need is to stay locked in my apartment, that doesn’t really help me much.

Rest of the day was fine, though none of the food was terribly exciting:

Breakfast:

  • Quick Oats with Sweet-N-Low, two tbsp of peanut butter, and a splash of skim milk.
  • Decaf coffee with skim

Lunch:

  • Tuna with light mayo and tomato– on a roll– but it was white bread and kind of big.  It was what we had around the office and I didn’t want to go buy a whole wheat one– but I should have.

After Lunch Binge:

  • See above

Dinner:

  • Burrito with rice, an egg, sweet garlic sauce, and onion.  It was  just me throwing together snacks, but it was really tasty.  I had to force myself to eat dinner because I was tempted to skip a meal since I’d binged on cookies… I guess that it’s good that I didn’t.
  1. I’m really at a loss when it comes to understanding WHY I binged.  I couldn’t resist the temptation, it was a social situation?  Really don’t know.
  2. I am really sick of housesitting and want to go home to the collection of healthy food that I’ve built up over the past month.  I just brough some *scraps* here and my meals are getting dull, which is not encouraging me to do things like avoid binges.  Less than a week left, though.
  3. Didn’t drink enough water today!  Gotta fix that.
  4. Chocolate and coffee are still out of the picture!
  5. Adding a bit of peanut butter for a protein burst seems to be good.  It really helped with breakfast.  I need to find a lower-calorie peanut butter, though (that tastes good).  Probably difficult to find in Israel, which is annoying!

Really hoping to make today a much, much better day.  We’ll see.

Hope everyone has a good one–!

There were thunderstorms all day on Saturday and again, I did nothing.  Food wise, the day was nice– until the very end.

Breakfast:

  • Bowl of Quick Oats with skim milk and cinnamon
  • Decaf coffee w skim

Lunch:

  • So I’m always totally jealous of eating bender and her sweet potatoes with cottage cheese and ketchup, so I made it myself– except, we didn’t have ketchup, so I replaced it with a little bit of matbucha:

img_5415

Very, very tasty!

  • Also had some leftover salad from the night before– cucumber, tomato, lettuce, fennel, and light vinegarette:

img_5411

Dinner:

  • I thought I was doing damage control, because I was heading home (dogsitting now in Tel Aviv, and I live in Jerusalem) for the night and I wanted to avoid one of my roommate’s highly unhealthy dinners, and so R and I made an early dinner.  We had plain old spaghetti with a simple sauce (crushed tomato, oregano, onion, black pepper) and a side of peas.  Not the healthiest, but fine.

Roomie was eating, so I had to join…

  • 5 big crackers with jelly
  • handful of butterscotch chips
  1. So yeah– I don’t know what that was about.  I was full after dinner, but I ended up chatting with the roomie when I got home and she had a bunch of random foods out on the table in the living room, and I just dug in.  I *hate* it when I do this.  I make an effort all day– and yes, it still feels like an effort– and then I go for something that my body doesn’t even really need or want! Why?
  2. Other than that, the day was fine.  Food was very good. I need to buy some whole wheat pasta to have around while I’m dogsitting, though (1 more week).

Anyone have any suggestions for avoiding impulse eating? Eating out of boredom? eating just because someone else is?

Have a good one…

Food Diary

Breakfast – it starts out okay

  • 4 oz Fage Greek yogurt, sweetened with splenda + one crushed-up Nature’s Valley Oats and Honey granola bar

Lunch – and here’s where we go downhill…

  • 1 hamburger with ketchup
  • 1 hot dog with ketchup and mustard
  • 1 heaping serving of french fries
  • 3 pieces of BBQ seitan

Dinner

  • Half a sleeve of Town House crackers

Good Lord – I really screwed up royally today. It started out well, but then I had a friend over to my company for lunch. Basically, I work in the land of Good and Plenty – where food is EVERYWHERE. So I proceeded to scarf down a hamburger AND a hot dog, fries, and then some seitan. WTF? Basically, I eat like I grew up in a poor third world village and I don’t know where my next meal is coming from. I get so excited over my favorite junky foods that I attack them and eat everything in sight. Did I really need a hamburger and a hot dog? No. Are these things difficult to acquire in the real world? No. Are these items outside of my budget? No. So what the hell is wrong with me? I think I really need to work on remembering that I don’t have to eat everything at once. Food isn’t going anywhere. I can always make my favorite dishes later and don’t need to load up on food just because it’s there.

After that ridiculous food debacle, I was full for the rest of the night and I skipped dinner, instead opting for a half a sleeve of crackers. Classic Layla behavior.

On the bright side, I kept up my ‘no alcohol in the apartment’ ban and I took my meds. I also walked to and from work – so about 4.5 miles. I suppose that makes me feel a little bit better, but not really.

Today’s Eats started out nicely..

Breakfast:

  • Cornflakes
  • Chai tea with skim milk and sweet-n-low

Snack:

  • Apple

Huge Freaking Disaster happened like this:

  • Today was a special occasion, so I decided to bake cookies when I got home.
  • Began to bake and didn’t eat any of the ingredients, only licked the spoon once. Harmless enough.
  • Got a call from a boy that disturbed me.
  • Ate a glob of dough and wallowed in self-pity
  • Cookies finished, ate 4.  They’re huge, by the way. Huge.

After Huge Freaking Disaster, Day finished like this:

Post Disaster Snack:

  • Avocado on half of a whole wheat pita

Dinner:

  • tuna with light mayo
  • whole wheat pita
  • baked potato and margarine, no skin

Alcohol:

  • 1/2 bottle of Merlot. Oops again.

Thoughts:

Today was not a success story.  I would like to be able to bake cookies without ruining my ‘healthy lifestyle’ because I got an upsetting phone call.  The real issue here, of course, is my emotional eating.  For as long as I could remember, I have either deprived myself of food or been overindulgent in order to deal with my emotions.  My first instinct when I’m upset is to eat something ‘sinful’; my instinct when I’m happy and flying high is to skip a meal and make that high last.  My major, underlying goal is to beat these horrible habits to a pulp.  I need to do some more research re: emotional eating– and how to conquer it.

I need to cut down on the wine.  I’m going to limit myself.  I have to think about what a reasonable number will be.

After the Huge Freaking Disaster, I was really tempted to give up, eat whatever, and call it a day.  I have this problem often– I make an unhealthy choice, and then feel like I’ve already ruined the day.  I had a healthy dinner, but I feel like I should have skipped the wine.  It’s completely irrational to continue to make unhealthy choices just because I’ve made one.  Now, if only I could internalize that.

In short, today was not a success story.  Hopefully, I’ll be back tomorrow with good food news and a nice, healthy recipe.