binge


As you can see, I took a break from blogging about food. I also took a break from reading food blogs and generally obsessing over food.  The results were mixed.

I’ve been writing about how I’m stressed and that eating in a healthy way has been a struggle.  I realized that, over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been putting *a lot* of time and energy into focusing on food, to the point where I was obsessing over my failures and my accomplishments– and essentially, food was defining my day. Good days were when I ate a variety of healthy foods, bad days were when I ate unhealthy foods or ate when I wasn’t hungry because I was stressed.   I freaked out after my last post because I realized that while trying to be healthy,  food and my perceptions of how I eat were taking over my life.  Literally.

So then I thought about the food bloggers and whether or not this was a community that I could join for support.  I came the conclusion that I want to give it a try, because it seems to be so positive for other people.  I’m going to try and start talking about some other things in posts too, in addition to what and how I eat, to remind myself that I’m a dynamic person and not just the sum of what I eat.

As for food over the past few days, I had a couple of very healthy days and some really, really good meals.  I also binged once and felt like absolute shit afterwards.  Last night was also a disaster.  But that’s okay.  I’ll be back with normal posts tomorrow, and I’m going to get back on  track.

FYI- contests galore!  Check out Oh She Glows’ contest for a chance to win Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred Workout DVD — open to anyone, anywhere in the world, so that includes ex-pats like me 😉 Also check out Chocolate Covered Katie’s Jocolat Larabar giveway, also open to people outside of the States.  Not finished yet! Check out Strawberry Shortstuff’s next Simply Bar giveaway— they look amazing.  Finally, just started reading a new blog and she’s already having a contest (!)– check out Krista’s Kravings yummy giveaway….

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I’m not sure who I’ve told and who I haven’t, but when I was in middle school, I had an eating disorder.  I alternated between A and B, and as a result, I never had the omg-I-weigh-60-lbs freak out.  I was incredibly unhealthy and it took me over a year to confess this to my family.  My health was out of whack– physical and mental– and I had this obsession with the aspect of eating disorders that is my best friend and my worst enemy– CONTROL.  I had an answer for everything in order to stay thin– if I felt fat, I didn’t eat.  If I couldn’t control my hunger, I ate so much that I threw it all up anyway.

It  took me a couple of years, but I got some very effective treatment, and I haven’t defined myself as having A or B in a long, long time.  Problem is, now I have a new set of problems.

I spent so much time and mental energy learning to accept that my body needed food, and then I got carried away. Food became a comfort for me.  At first, I never associated any guilt with eating, regardless of how much I ate, because I felt like I was a superstar just for eating and keeping it down.  It took a few years, and that got out of hand.  Now, food is my response to stress, my response to general anguish, my response to anger.  It calms me down, and I feel like it’s ‘leftovers’ from my treatment back-in-the-day.

I’m writing about binging because the other day, for the first time in several years, I actually considered purging my food after a stress-induced binge.  I didn’t do it, but the fact that it was even a consideration is scary.  I thought to myself– ‘you know, being thin and struggling with A and B might actually be preferable to feeling not-quite-thin-enough (I want to be 20 lbs lighter, that’s all– but it feels miles away) and binging in a way that keeps the pounds on…’

I don’t think that I’ll ever go back to A and B, thank Gd.   Still, I feel like I need to recognize the way that I deal with food now as a type of disordered eating– and DEAL WITH IT as I dealt with A and B– because it’s taking over my life.  Again.