February 2009


I’m not sure who I’ve told and who I haven’t, but when I was in middle school, I had an eating disorder.  I alternated between A and B, and as a result, I never had the omg-I-weigh-60-lbs freak out.  I was incredibly unhealthy and it took me over a year to confess this to my family.  My health was out of whack– physical and mental– and I had this obsession with the aspect of eating disorders that is my best friend and my worst enemy– CONTROL.  I had an answer for everything in order to stay thin– if I felt fat, I didn’t eat.  If I couldn’t control my hunger, I ate so much that I threw it all up anyway.

It  took me a couple of years, but I got some very effective treatment, and I haven’t defined myself as having A or B in a long, long time.  Problem is, now I have a new set of problems.

I spent so much time and mental energy learning to accept that my body needed food, and then I got carried away. Food became a comfort for me.  At first, I never associated any guilt with eating, regardless of how much I ate, because I felt like I was a superstar just for eating and keeping it down.  It took a few years, and that got out of hand.  Now, food is my response to stress, my response to general anguish, my response to anger.  It calms me down, and I feel like it’s ‘leftovers’ from my treatment back-in-the-day.

I’m writing about binging because the other day, for the first time in several years, I actually considered purging my food after a stress-induced binge.  I didn’t do it, but the fact that it was even a consideration is scary.  I thought to myself– ‘you know, being thin and struggling with A and B might actually be preferable to feeling not-quite-thin-enough (I want to be 20 lbs lighter, that’s all– but it feels miles away) and binging in a way that keeps the pounds on…’

I don’t think that I’ll ever go back to A and B, thank Gd.   Still, I feel like I need to recognize the way that I deal with food now as a type of disordered eating– and DEAL WITH IT as I dealt with A and B– because it’s taking over my life.  Again.

Not in water, so no worries.
Food is a struggle– some things to celebrate, some things to freak out about.

Tuesday’s Eats:

Breakfast:

  • 2 eggs, sunny-side up, with garlic, crushed tomatoes, and pepper:

img_5426Very, Very tasty!

  • fat-free yogurt with a tsp of lemon juice

Lunch:

  • Best Quick Oats combo that I’ve had in a while:

img_5438I took an apple from work and walked home (well, to the housesitting gig) to make Quick Oats with apple, cinnamon, 1 tbsp of peanut butter, skim milk, and sweet-n-low.  AMAZING.

Unnecessary Snack:

  • Right– so this is the point in the day during which I ate a 400 calorie cinnamon bun.  Why?  Because a co-worker literally put it in my face right after I’d gotten into a screaming match (yes, screaming match) with my boss.  So upset that I did this *again*!

Dinner:

  • Chickpea and tuna salad with zatar and 2 tbsp of hummus:

img_5441Also very tasty!

  • Soy patty with garlic and olive oil

After Dinner:

  • Decaf coffee with a tsp of cocoa powder and skim milk– inspired by Eating Bender‘s coffee cocoa.  Very, very good– but I don’t really need to put cocoa in my coffee.  It feels excessive while I’m battling an addiction to sweets and avoiding chocolate.
  • 200 calories worth of toffee that my roommate left laying on the table.  Ugh.
  1. The good parts of today were the fact that I had a *lot* of water and have been keeping up with that goal meticulously, the fact that I’m still coffee free, and the fact that I made tasty meals that were satisfying three times.  Nothing on the go, nothing mediocre.
  2. It would have been a perfect day if I hadn’t had the toffee and the cinnamon bun.  Your suggestions have been on the mark, and despite the fact that I am *extremely* stressed right now, I need to put them in action.  Today I’m going to  try doing something else when I’m stressed, and making room for *small* portions of sweets to see if that will curb the craving.

Really want to blog about everything that is stressing me out, but I have to get going.  More later.

Today was another mostly positive day. I did break my no snacking rule, however, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol, although the stress of work and the start of my period really made me crave a whiskey sour (I don’t know why, but it gets rid of my cramps). I also went to the gym again, but I only did 45 minutes this time – I was too ravenous and crampy to stay any longer. Here’s the food log.

Breakfast

  • 2% Plain Fage Greek yogurt, sweetened with honey
  • 3 grapes (didn’t like them, so I only ate three)

Lunch

cimg0198

  • Chili spiced sweet potatoes
  • Cajun rice (only ate about 1/2 serving on the plate)
  • BBQ Jalapeno seitan
  • 1 1/2 sugar cookies

Snack

  • Handful of Pirate’s Booty
  • Small package of gummy bears

Post work-out snack

  • Cube of mozzarella cheese
  • Small handful of caramel flavored rice cakes

Dinner

  • 1 Lamburger (so good!)
  • Walnut and Parmesan salad w/ homemade vinaigrette

Snack

  • Two thin mint girl scout cookies (edit: I ate two more when roomie and I were staying up talking. My stomach was growling. haha)

I feel like I ate SO much writing it all out and yet I’m still not really full. That’s the thing with me and working out. The second I start burning calories and doing cardio, I become a beast. I just want to eat and eat. I don’t feel bad about what I ate today (at least I didn’t while I was eating it), but now that I’ve elaborated on it, it feels excessive. I really hate snacking – it’s not something I like doing, but I need the fuel. I just need to fuel a bit more efficiently, I think.

On the plus side, I had a nice moment today where I stopped eating Pirate’s Booty because I realized I was only eating it because it was there. I really want to try and focus on eating only when I’m hungry, instead of acting like I’ve been on a desert island with no food and all of a sudden, I’m in a grocery store. Honestly, sometimes that’s how I behave. It’s not attractive and it certainly hasn’t gotten me anywhere. So that’s my new focus – what, when and why am I eating?

Monday was one of these days that I don’t really know how to characterize, because it was full of ups and downs.  I’m really stressed out right now– about health and food, about men, about work, about money, about my future– and I need to get it together.

Today is ‘rosh chodesh’– basically, a new month on the Jewish calendar.  I’m not very religious (though I toy with it), but since I’ve lived in Israel and people actually semi-acknowledge rosh chodesh, I’ve always tried to look at the new month as a chance to start over.  This month (Adar, btw), I’m definitely going to try and do that in many respects.  More on that later…

Monday’s food:

Breakfast:

  • Quick Oats w/ 1 tbsp of peanut butter, cinnamon, and sweet-n-low (another attempt at having protein for breakfast– and it was *very* tasty– I was full until lunch, which is definitely an accomplishment)

Lunch:

  • Had another lunch that is provided by my workplace– same boring lunch as yesterday, basically– in an effort to save money, and because I’m not ‘home’ to make my usual lunches:  tuna on a (white) roll w/ tomato and light mayo
  • a few spoonfuls of cottage cheese

Snack:

  • 2 maple cookies  — I had this right after lunch and so I wasn’t even hungry– I just needed something sweet.  I’m trying to internalize some of your advice and accept that this is OK as long as I don’t binge and go overboard.

Dinner:

  • My friend that just got back from Canada gave me a bottle of real maple syrup, which is hard to come by in Israel (and obviously, the best comes from Canada!):

img_54241So, naturally, R and I made pancakes for dinner (and I’m still looking for a unique recipe to make use of the syrup)….

img_54221Pancakes were okay– we burnt a few (also pictured!) and we used margarine instead of butter– which simply doesn’t work. It’s not that they were bad, but I feel like in the future, if I’m going to *indulge* in pancakes, I’m going to make them the right way.  You really need that buttery flavor.

Kept up with my water intake, too– which helped.

  1. Ate pancakes beyond when I stopped being hungry.  It just felt like such a treat and I had just come home from a *VERY* stressful day at work (and was on my way back after dinner to deal with more stress) and I did the whole stress-eating  thing.  I’m not terribly upset about it, but I need to keep my promise to myself to really work on this.
  2. I need to remember to bring a whole wheat roll on days that I’m going to surrender to the office tuna for lunch.  I just don’t feel healthy when I eat a  big, white roll.
  3. Next time, one maple cookie should do the trick 🙂
  4. Definitely need to keep up with the protein for breakfast trend.  It makes *such* a difference.

I feel like all of my ups and downs in terms of food are  related to the ups and downs of my life in general.  I’m going to take an hour today to write about everything that is stressing me out and to come up with proactive ways to deal with it all.  I come home every day and just want to collapse in my bed and forget it all– and shockingly enough, it’s not helping 🙂  Maybe I’ll blog about some of this stuff later, when I have more clarity.

xo

Today I decided to be completely and totally selfish and it seems to have worked for me. I told myself that I was leaving work at 5 pm regardless of what I had or hadn’t finished. I got in at 8 am and damnit, 9 hours with no concrete lunch break is more than enough work for a day, especially considering what I do. So I left work at 5, picked up my blood thinners and some toiletries, got some groceries to make dinner and came home. I also went to the gym! Yay! Worked out for 1 hour – 30 minute course on the bike and 30 minutes of the elliptical/stairmaster hybrid machine. I feel fabulous! I hope I can keep this attitude up tomorrow.

As for food – I’m okay today. It was mac and cheese bar at work, which means all mac and cheese, all the time. Macaroni and cheese is my weakness and I refuse to say no to it, so I had it for lunch, but I coupled it with a nice salad, so I don’t feel so bad about it. I ate a fruit/veggie at every meal and I even remembered to take pictures. I also took my blood thinners in the correct dosage. Today is definitely a success!

Food Diary

Breakfast

breakfast

  • Greek yogurt with walnuts and honey
  • 1 honey tangerine

Lunch

lunch

  • One small scoop of buffalo chicken mac and cheese
  • Classic mac and cheese with jalapeno tabasco sauce (the only way to eat it – for realz)
  • Mixed greens with walnuts, parmesan, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing

Dinner

dinner

  • 2 small lamb and mozzarella burgers, each one on half of a whole wheat bun
  • Mixed greens with walnuts, freshly grated parmesan, and homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing

Alcohol

  • None – take that!

Recipes:

Lamb Burger with Smoked Mozzarella

  • Cut 1/4 pound of smoked mozzarella into four pieces
  • Divide a pound of ground lamb into quarters
  • Form into patties around each piece of cheese
  • Add salt and pepper to taste
  • Grill or broil until the outsides feel very firm, 3-4 min per side
  • Serve on toasted buns

Homemade balsamic vinaigrette

  • I Tbsp.Dijon  mustard
  • 2-3 Tbsp. balsamic vinegar
  • 2-3  Tbsp.olive oil
  • 2-3 Tbsp. canola oil
  • salt and pepper

Today was typical of an office environment;  a co-worker came back from three weeks in Canada and we were all ecstatic to see her.  In Israel, ecstatic= food.  She brough back a ton of maple candy and cookies, and everyone sat around to hear about the family wedding that she’d just a ttented and to eat.  I had already eaten lunch and *was not* hungry, so I told myself to drink my water, concentrate on the conversation, and just stay away.  After sitting there for an hour, I literally couldn’t take it anymore. I had no self-control.  I have a few pieces of maple candy and a bunch of cookies– something to the tune of 6.  If i had just had one or two, I wouldn’t be dwelling– but I completely binged.  I want to understand why, and I need to come up with ways of avoiding this!  If the only way for me to avoid eating crap that my body doesn’t want OR need is to stay locked in my apartment, that doesn’t really help me much.

Rest of the day was fine, though none of the food was terribly exciting:

Breakfast:

  • Quick Oats with Sweet-N-Low, two tbsp of peanut butter, and a splash of skim milk.
  • Decaf coffee with skim

Lunch:

  • Tuna with light mayo and tomato– on a roll– but it was white bread and kind of big.  It was what we had around the office and I didn’t want to go buy a whole wheat one– but I should have.

After Lunch Binge:

  • See above

Dinner:

  • Burrito with rice, an egg, sweet garlic sauce, and onion.  It was  just me throwing together snacks, but it was really tasty.  I had to force myself to eat dinner because I was tempted to skip a meal since I’d binged on cookies… I guess that it’s good that I didn’t.
  1. I’m really at a loss when it comes to understanding WHY I binged.  I couldn’t resist the temptation, it was a social situation?  Really don’t know.
  2. I am really sick of housesitting and want to go home to the collection of healthy food that I’ve built up over the past month.  I just brough some *scraps* here and my meals are getting dull, which is not encouraging me to do things like avoid binges.  Less than a week left, though.
  3. Didn’t drink enough water today!  Gotta fix that.
  4. Chocolate and coffee are still out of the picture!
  5. Adding a bit of peanut butter for a protein burst seems to be good.  It really helped with breakfast.  I need to find a lower-calorie peanut butter, though (that tastes good).  Probably difficult to find in Israel, which is annoying!

Really hoping to make today a much, much better day.  We’ll see.

Hope everyone has a good one–!

There were thunderstorms all day on Saturday and again, I did nothing.  Food wise, the day was nice– until the very end.

Breakfast:

  • Bowl of Quick Oats with skim milk and cinnamon
  • Decaf coffee w skim

Lunch:

  • So I’m always totally jealous of eating bender and her sweet potatoes with cottage cheese and ketchup, so I made it myself– except, we didn’t have ketchup, so I replaced it with a little bit of matbucha:

img_5415

Very, very tasty!

  • Also had some leftover salad from the night before– cucumber, tomato, lettuce, fennel, and light vinegarette:

img_5411

Dinner:

  • I thought I was doing damage control, because I was heading home (dogsitting now in Tel Aviv, and I live in Jerusalem) for the night and I wanted to avoid one of my roommate’s highly unhealthy dinners, and so R and I made an early dinner.  We had plain old spaghetti with a simple sauce (crushed tomato, oregano, onion, black pepper) and a side of peas.  Not the healthiest, but fine.

Roomie was eating, so I had to join…

  • 5 big crackers with jelly
  • handful of butterscotch chips
  1. So yeah– I don’t know what that was about.  I was full after dinner, but I ended up chatting with the roomie when I got home and she had a bunch of random foods out on the table in the living room, and I just dug in.  I *hate* it when I do this.  I make an effort all day– and yes, it still feels like an effort– and then I go for something that my body doesn’t even really need or want! Why?
  2. Other than that, the day was fine.  Food was very good. I need to buy some whole wheat pasta to have around while I’m dogsitting, though (1 more week).

Anyone have any suggestions for avoiding impulse eating? Eating out of boredom? eating just because someone else is?

Have a good one…

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