Right now I’m in California (San Francisco to be exact) on a business trip. I lived here for 9 months and it’s been so strange to be back, since there are so many memories I have of this place. Since I’ve been back in town, I’ve hung out with my old roommate a fair amount and it’s been really inspiring to see how she’s turned her life around and it makes me want to do the same. She’s running in 5ks and marathons and raising money for various charities. She’s started working out and really focusing on improving her body and her health and that is inspiring to me. I really would like to live a healthier lifestyle and really focus on making my body the best that it can be.

I struggle so much with biting off more than I can chew and coming up with all of these lofty goals that never seem to pan out. I’m sick of it. I really want to have a new attitude about this whole diet, exercise, and life improvement plan. I don’t want to be complacent with where I am in my life. Health is one of those things that I’ve never taken seriously and considering all of the things that have happened to me in the past year *coughbloodclotcough* I really need to focus on keeping my body clean and healthy.

I want to use this blog to document all of that. I think that when I first started writing here, I was a little unsure of my purpose and not really thinking about what I need from this writing endeavor. Now that I have a better idea, I’m ready to start writing seriously and putting everything out there and focusing on finding a community and documenting my journey. I need clear, quantifiable goals and then I need to be serious about doing what I need to do to achieve them.

More to come…

I decided to take a step in the right direction– I joined a gym and my membership begins on Sunday morning (the first day of the week here in Israel).  I’m back at home and dogsitting is over.

Starting next week, I’ll post about life in general, my workouts– and all of the yummy food that I eat– complete with pictures.

I’m really, really determined.

So, I’ve been gone from the blogging scene as well, for many different reasons. Life is just too hectic for me right now and it’s sad because I started out so well last week. I went to the gym 3x and worked out, I walked to work for a few days, and I cooked meals in my apartment – really good meals. Then work got busy and life got busy and *poof* out the window. Most of it had to do with a really bad day I had last week.

I’ve always tended towards having a mood disorder. It’s nothing diagnosed or anything and I’m not on medication, but my moods are wacky. They are affected by so many things – my jobs, my friends, boys. Any small setback can take me from happy and smiling to feeling frustrated and depressed. When I was in middle school, I spent most of my time in a haze of teenage angst – writing angry poetry, cursing my parents, and occasionally cutting. I don’t know if I’ve ever spoken about that part of my life – it didn’t seem serious at the time and to me it still doesn’t, but I know that it was a personal low. I’ve never EVER done anything like that since then, but I have had my mood swings. My freshman year of college, I spent most of it sleeping because I was depressed and it was hard to get acclimated. Sophomore year, all of my activities depressed me in the same way and I felt awful 99% of the time – lots of tears and crying. When I get like that, I neglect my health, which is exactly what happened last week. I got upset about work, came home, drank several glasses of wine, and cried my eyes out. It was awful. Couple that with a new man in my life and trouble with my friends and it was a recipe for disaster. I drank, stopped going to the gym, and just sat around wallowing. So not cute.

I’m hoping to really stick this out and be serious about getting healthy and feeling better about myself. It’s just a process. In the words of Talib Kweli – “Life is a beautiful struggle.” I’m going to try my darndest to end up on top.

As you can see, I took a break from blogging about food. I also took a break from reading food blogs and generally obsessing over food.  The results were mixed.

I’ve been writing about how I’m stressed and that eating in a healthy way has been a struggle.  I realized that, over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been putting *a lot* of time and energy into focusing on food, to the point where I was obsessing over my failures and my accomplishments– and essentially, food was defining my day. Good days were when I ate a variety of healthy foods, bad days were when I ate unhealthy foods or ate when I wasn’t hungry because I was stressed.   I freaked out after my last post because I realized that while trying to be healthy,  food and my perceptions of how I eat were taking over my life.  Literally.

So then I thought about the food bloggers and whether or not this was a community that I could join for support.  I came the conclusion that I want to give it a try, because it seems to be so positive for other people.  I’m going to try and start talking about some other things in posts too, in addition to what and how I eat, to remind myself that I’m a dynamic person and not just the sum of what I eat.

As for food over the past few days, I had a couple of very healthy days and some really, really good meals.  I also binged once and felt like absolute shit afterwards.  Last night was also a disaster.  But that’s okay.  I’ll be back with normal posts tomorrow, and I’m going to get back on  track.

FYI- contests galore!  Check out Oh She Glows’ contest for a chance to win Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred Workout DVD — open to anyone, anywhere in the world, so that includes ex-pats like me 😉 Also check out Chocolate Covered Katie’s Jocolat Larabar giveway, also open to people outside of the States.  Not finished yet! Check out Strawberry Shortstuff’s next Simply Bar giveaway— they look amazing.  Finally, just started reading a new blog and she’s already having a contest (!)– check out Krista’s Kravings yummy giveaway….

I’m not sure who I’ve told and who I haven’t, but when I was in middle school, I had an eating disorder.  I alternated between A and B, and as a result, I never had the omg-I-weigh-60-lbs freak out.  I was incredibly unhealthy and it took me over a year to confess this to my family.  My health was out of whack– physical and mental– and I had this obsession with the aspect of eating disorders that is my best friend and my worst enemy– CONTROL.  I had an answer for everything in order to stay thin– if I felt fat, I didn’t eat.  If I couldn’t control my hunger, I ate so much that I threw it all up anyway.

It  took me a couple of years, but I got some very effective treatment, and I haven’t defined myself as having A or B in a long, long time.  Problem is, now I have a new set of problems.

I spent so much time and mental energy learning to accept that my body needed food, and then I got carried away. Food became a comfort for me.  At first, I never associated any guilt with eating, regardless of how much I ate, because I felt like I was a superstar just for eating and keeping it down.  It took a few years, and that got out of hand.  Now, food is my response to stress, my response to general anguish, my response to anger.  It calms me down, and I feel like it’s ‘leftovers’ from my treatment back-in-the-day.

I’m writing about binging because the other day, for the first time in several years, I actually considered purging my food after a stress-induced binge.  I didn’t do it, but the fact that it was even a consideration is scary.  I thought to myself– ‘you know, being thin and struggling with A and B might actually be preferable to feeling not-quite-thin-enough (I want to be 20 lbs lighter, that’s all– but it feels miles away) and binging in a way that keeps the pounds on…’

I don’t think that I’ll ever go back to A and B, thank Gd.   Still, I feel like I need to recognize the way that I deal with food now as a type of disordered eating– and DEAL WITH IT as I dealt with A and B– because it’s taking over my life.  Again.

Not in water, so no worries.
Food is a struggle– some things to celebrate, some things to freak out about.

Tuesday’s Eats:


  • 2 eggs, sunny-side up, with garlic, crushed tomatoes, and pepper:

img_5426Very, Very tasty!

  • fat-free yogurt with a tsp of lemon juice


  • Best Quick Oats combo that I’ve had in a while:

img_5438I took an apple from work and walked home (well, to the housesitting gig) to make Quick Oats with apple, cinnamon, 1 tbsp of peanut butter, skim milk, and sweet-n-low.  AMAZING.

Unnecessary Snack:

  • Right– so this is the point in the day during which I ate a 400 calorie cinnamon bun.  Why?  Because a co-worker literally put it in my face right after I’d gotten into a screaming match (yes, screaming match) with my boss.  So upset that I did this *again*!


  • Chickpea and tuna salad with zatar and 2 tbsp of hummus:

img_5441Also very tasty!

  • Soy patty with garlic and olive oil

After Dinner:

  • Decaf coffee with a tsp of cocoa powder and skim milk– inspired by Eating Bender‘s coffee cocoa.  Very, very good– but I don’t really need to put cocoa in my coffee.  It feels excessive while I’m battling an addiction to sweets and avoiding chocolate.
  • 200 calories worth of toffee that my roommate left laying on the table.  Ugh.
  1. The good parts of today were the fact that I had a *lot* of water and have been keeping up with that goal meticulously, the fact that I’m still coffee free, and the fact that I made tasty meals that were satisfying three times.  Nothing on the go, nothing mediocre.
  2. It would have been a perfect day if I hadn’t had the toffee and the cinnamon bun.  Your suggestions have been on the mark, and despite the fact that I am *extremely* stressed right now, I need to put them in action.  Today I’m going to  try doing something else when I’m stressed, and making room for *small* portions of sweets to see if that will curb the craving.

Really want to blog about everything that is stressing me out, but I have to get going.  More later.

Today was another mostly positive day. I did break my no snacking rule, however, it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol, although the stress of work and the start of my period really made me crave a whiskey sour (I don’t know why, but it gets rid of my cramps). I also went to the gym again, but I only did 45 minutes this time – I was too ravenous and crampy to stay any longer. Here’s the food log.


  • 2% Plain Fage Greek yogurt, sweetened with honey
  • 3 grapes (didn’t like them, so I only ate three)



  • Chili spiced sweet potatoes
  • Cajun rice (only ate about 1/2 serving on the plate)
  • BBQ Jalapeno seitan
  • 1 1/2 sugar cookies


  • Handful of Pirate’s Booty
  • Small package of gummy bears

Post work-out snack

  • Cube of mozzarella cheese
  • Small handful of caramel flavored rice cakes


  • 1 Lamburger (so good!)
  • Walnut and Parmesan salad w/ homemade vinaigrette


  • Two thin mint girl scout cookies (edit: I ate two more when roomie and I were staying up talking. My stomach was growling. haha)

I feel like I ate SO much writing it all out and yet I’m still not really full. That’s the thing with me and working out. The second I start burning calories and doing cardio, I become a beast. I just want to eat and eat. I don’t feel bad about what I ate today (at least I didn’t while I was eating it), but now that I’ve elaborated on it, it feels excessive. I really hate snacking – it’s not something I like doing, but I need the fuel. I just need to fuel a bit more efficiently, I think.

On the plus side, I had a nice moment today where I stopped eating Pirate’s Booty because I realized I was only eating it because it was there. I really want to try and focus on eating only when I’m hungry, instead of acting like I’ve been on a desert island with no food and all of a sudden, I’m in a grocery store. Honestly, sometimes that’s how I behave. It’s not attractive and it certainly hasn’t gotten me anywhere. So that’s my new focus – what, when and why am I eating?